The Top Five Things Stupidest Things To Put In Your LJ.
by Jeff Stevens
#5 "The I'm much more important than you" update
This update begins with you explaining how you have been way too busy to "update this thing" because there has been sooo much going on in your life. This update is especialy lame because the person who wrote it is making their life out to be sooo much more important because they have been out doing stuff besides "sitting on the computer all day". The main reason this update upsets me, is because the writer tries to sound like they are above the rest of us who have time to update. The only thing I enjoy about reading this kind of update is in my head I think "well, now that you finally have some free time, you have nothing better to do with it than update an internet journal..... haha YOU LOSER!"
# 4 The "I was sooo bored update"
This update is a result of the loser updater not having anything better to do with their time, so they spend their friday night answering 200 of the most retarded questions ever created. I have yet to do one of these, because I have too much respect for myself. Some of the questions sound like they were written by a 12 year old girl, and they go a little something like "who was your first kiss?" or "do you have a seceret crush?". The only thing more pathetic than asking someone if they have a seceret crush, is answering the question. If I ever stoop so low as to fill out one of those, then I give everyone premission to spit on me.
#3 The "picture proof that I am cool" update
This update is guaranteed to include pictures from some bomb-ass party that you were at this weekend, this update normally includes pictures of kids holding beers, kids past out, girls trying to look attractive in their slutty skirts, and of course: the beer can tower. The number one thing that makes this update dreadfull is the little "one liners" that are put below the pictures. For example "We were getting crunk!" or "Me hitting the beer bong... ohh shit!". If that all wasn't enough to make you want to gag, it is all topped off when you read the lj cut blue text, which is always an inside joke from the night before that only one or two people from the night before get, and the rest of us don't care about. The best thing to do when you come across one of these updates is too tell the person that they look fat, ugly, or gay in the pictures. (the only thing possibly worse than the "crunk" party pictures, is when there is an update that says "I'm too tired to put up the pics from last night, I'll do it next time" I mean, if you really were "too tired" to update then why would you waste your time putting that, do you think that we really are dying to know about what your next update is going to include?)
#2 The "omg I'm so emo" update
The emo is by far the most common, and definitely my favorite to criticize. To be successful in an emo update you MUST include "mood and music". In this update what is done for mood is the emo person gets a hold of a thesaurus and finds the most outrageous synonyms, for depressed, as possible (melancholy is always a great one). For music there are two choices, they either go with "Taking Back Sunday" (always a good one) or if they are really feeling the need to be cool then they name a band that is so underground none of us have ever heard of them. These bands always have corny names like "As I lay on the floor gasping for air" or "Slice my heart like a tomato". I can always spot the emo update it is within the first sentence. It usually begins with something like "I fucking hate my mom and dad, because they won't let me go to the show on Friday night, where "Slow Painful Suicide" is playing with "Bloody Lipstick"!" From there they go on to explain how they are counting down the days till they turn 18.
#1 The "estrogen fueled drama queen" update
This journal update I like to refer to as the Drama Queen update. Sometimes this sort of update can make me naseous just by the usage of pronouns, and it goes like this "He didn't even say hi today :( , I don't know why I even bother liking him anymore, he treats me like shit". I don't know why the name of "he" isn't included, I mean obviously it isn't top seceret, or it wouldn't be put on a journal for the whole world to read. The reason this agrivates me, is because I don't like the fact that I have to do some detective work to discover the mystery of who "he" is, because the person who updated is too shy to let Johnny Footballstar know that she has a crush on him. Another type of dramaqueen update, and probably the main reason I hate most girls, goes a little something like "Sometimes you think you know someone, and then they just stab you right in the back. I like how everyone always talks shit about me, and then when I confront them about it, they deny it. Well that's it I'm tired of all this shit talking, and I decided that I really don't care what anyone thinks about me, because you don't even know who I really am." This update of course is never complete without the "I'm sick of all this drama" line. The word drama is used by teenage girls more in one day, than the rest of the world uses it in a year. Every time I read about "girl drama" I gag, because girls are so lame and they obsess about how Peggy Sue said that they looked fat, in that yellow shirt.
So, like, I don't know how many of you actually CARED enough to read all the way to the end; I mean, I know all of you are actually back-stabbing traitorous liars who pretend to smile as you twist the knife. Do you think I'm stupid and I just missed this shit? I am so over all this drama. I mean, first with him (the jerk, I finally got the courage to ask him out too!!) and then my stupid parents ban me from going out tonight (God why couldn't I have been born earlier in the year? I wish I were 18!) and then life's just gotten so busy...I've had no time to update, really. I was really bored and angry and upset, that's all. Plus I just got back these pictures from a party last weekend - OMG SO AWESOME!!! I'll upload them later, I'm feeling lazy right now LOL
((Say hi to Auntie Tongue-in-cheek, kids!!))
Current Mood: Depressed
Current Music: "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" - Green Day